DX

First I took Marissa to an appointment with her Endocrinologist. I am proud to say that my daughter is ON the growth chart for the first time in her LIFE. In 3months she has grown 1.5inches and gained 2.5pounds. I wasn't expecting the strong reaction I got(very positive) Not that I was expecting a negative reaction but lets just say I get LOTS of pats on the back, tears and hugs from the Dr's who have been caring for her since birth. I left feeling recharged and accomplished with the progress we are making. After a quick stop for lunch we headed to regional center for her evaluation with the Neurologist. We did get the CP diagnosis that I was hoping for, but somehow I wasn't glad to get it once we did. She expressed that she felt that Marissa may be able to walk at some point, with support of braces and canes or walkers....something about her special stroller and how we can get away with that for a few more years before she needs a wheel chair. Spastic hemiplegia I believe is the DX. I left devastated and inconsolable. I don't feel like I am strong enough to handle all of this. As parents we all have dreams for our children, for the type of life we hope for them to have. I not saying she wont have a GREAT life, its just not going to look how I pictured it. That doesn't make it a bad life, just different. Letting go sounds easy enough in theory. I just feel like its one thing after another with her and I just wonder when its gonna end? When is this kid going to get a break? When we got the call about her we were told that she "used to be a tpn baby" that she had a g-tube and wasn't walking yet--but on the verge of and had some developmental delays due to lack of stimulation and deprivation. That she had improved to the point that she needed to be out of the medical facility and to be placed with a family. What they didn't tell me was that she only had a g-tube to get meds that she was currently on tpn and would be for the rest of her life(that she didnt talk, or swallow, or take any foods by mouth). That she had a potentially terminal condition and would be facing multi visceral organ transplant. That she had chronic organ failure, chronic anemia, left sided weakness(that is now DX as CP) That she's never formed a secure attachment to anyone person in her life. That she's spent more time in the hospital than out. But by the time I learned all that she was already mine. I wish I was a bigger person, if I was I would say I would have agreed to take her knowing all of this upfront. But honestly had I been given all of this information upfront I would have said a prayer that the right family was found for her and moved on without ever having met her. Of course now as her mother I know how blessed I am to have her as my daughter. I never imagined in a million years that I would be raising a child who is facing so many challenges, I mean what parent does really? I guess no one. I know I'm not only parent out there, so why do I feel so alone?